HEY MOM

hey mom

sometimes i think about those days when kuya and i were just babies and you were a young manila mom trying to figure it all out. i dont remember much (obviously) but i do remember our tiny house that used to seem so huge. i remember running around and hitting my head on everything. i remember fighting with kuya...alot. i remember our old big box tvs that took up half of the room. i remember you not allowing me to watch spongebob until i was 7. i remember when our love for videogames started and our love for star wars and movies (thanks dad ya big nerd). i think back to these times because growing up i figured you were just mom. you knew how everything worked. you knew what medicines to give us when we got sick. you knew what ingredients to put into every meal and every cookie. you knew everything about being a mom. growing up the lines were clear. we were the kids, you were the mom.

but now im confused. im confused about that young manila mom that knew everything about everything. kuya is 21 and im 18. we are, for all intents and purposes, completely grown up. as a kid i thought that when you grew up you would have everything figured out. just like you. i thought that i would know everything about everything. just like you. but to be honest, im completely lost. so now i ask myself “how?” how did you know where all the medicines were? where to bring us when we got sick? how to calm us down when we were crying or angry? how to scold us when we were being naughty? how to raise us to not hate you for putting us on timeout? how to make sure that when we were grown up, we would stay on the tracks that you laid out for us?

maybe you had help. lola and nanay were there for guidance. maybe you took a class. i have no damn clue. what i do know is that i understand now that of course you’re not perfect. and what i understand now is that you had the same thoughts that i have now. we both struggle and we both get sad and angry and happy and emotional. but growing up i never thought of that. because you were always so perfect. you were mom. thanks for setting an impossible standard and thank you for everything. love you mom cant wait to get back.

- nicolas -